to you

For your birthday

I still believe it’s a mircle happening in my life, though I am not sure if it’s totally a blessing.

The first sight was the most beautiful one. He has charming eyes, the gleam from which is vivid and gentle, pure and warm. Then I noticed his accent, a special flavor, but clear and clean. He tried to help me with the microscope while I was impressed by his amiable dignity and verve, the sense of Europe. Where does he come from? He smiled gently and told me that he came from Yugoslavia. Then in my mind appears the image of the Yugoslavia movie “Bridge” with the song “Goodbye, my friends”. In those old WWII movie, the handsome communists always wear turtle neck sweater. All the foreign movies are romantic in my memory. Then I can’t help looking at him again: naughty curl hair matches perfectly with his face profile; he must have a pure heart for his eyes are so clear; pretty tall, wearing an orange top, he must have a sunshine-like personality. We introduced each other. His name sounds cute and easy to remember: N*.

After that, I did think of him several times, what a cute guy! And even once I was kidding with others: I met a gorgeous European in the basement, he looks so good that I almost fell in love.

Did we met again before we met on bus? Seems once, in the hallway, you gave me a shy smile out and I was not sure if you recognized me. But I was happy just for seeing you again.

Then unexpectedly we met at the bus stop. Actually this time I was not sure if he’s Nikola since it was quite a long time ago. Who can he be? The shy and warm smile looks pretty familiar but the hair is different. On the bus I just can’t help looking at him slily and try to fit him into my first impression. Someone got off and he sat down in front of me, smiling to me again. “Nikola?”, Yes, he was. What else? Nothing, though I did hope something could happen. I didn’t know what could be possible. But an unconscious sweet missing was inside.

I still don’t know why you suggest to have a cup of tea together. Maybe that’s an expression that really does not mean anything. I know I was too ordinary to leave any impression to others, neither was I attractive. But I do like any possibility or adventure, even just seeing thing to happen. The more incredible stuffs were found in you web site. When I listen to those sounds you recorded, I felt like being inside you with all the sound waves reaching me through your nerve. Then I saw the kids in the pictures, who grasp my heart at my first sight. He must be an angel. I like your father, who also seems to be pure-hearted man and you have his eyes, the most charming parts. After visiting your web site, I knew I fell in love unconditionally. You can always steal hearts by this way.

Then we went to have tea. Your eyes dodged when you told me you lived with your girlfriend and I was sadly shocked at that moment. So what? I am here, let’s make the moment beautiful. I still can’t help finding some funs about you. I really enjoyed the conversations and later I noticed you crossed you legs and stretched your top to cover somewhere. I was a little flattered but also a little humiliated. Anyway, I forget the sadness about your girlfriend and tasted sweetness in the air that night. When we walked back, I was enchanted in your aura. Your smell made me flying.

Our walks in the following weeks were really like happening in dreams. Usually my dreams are full of wonderful sceneries where I take adventures, like exploring or doing archeological researches. Yes, I never think about if it’s improper to enjoy love in outdoor places. It was you that took me to the wonderful adventure. By your side, I felt the peace and harmony with the nature around. However, you told me not to take it romantically and it’s not love, then is it only sex? Though my sense and heart reject the definition, some other part of myself still enjoy the aura and the sex. After that I ceased my relationship with the one in Beijing.

Anyway I should thank you for the birthday gift you gave. Though I want to return the same back for your birthday, it’s impossible for the timing and the place.

After you left, I dreamed of you twice. Much early before you went to Great Canyon, in my dream you sent me a picture in which you stand on an ancient city wall and explained how to frame the whole city walls in one picture. In the other dream, we were discussing somethings but I forgot it when I woke up. At the time you went to Great Canyon, a gorgeous snow leopard fell into my window in my dream. First I was stunning by his grace and elegance, and then I realized how dangous for me to be so close to him. I don’t know why I felt the snow leopard is you. I felt I could be hurt if I did not stop myself.

It’s hard for me to match my first sight of the pure hearted guy who has enriched perception for the world with the guy coming for sex. I also enjoy having sex with him but what I want most is to read the book of him though the book has some foreign words, not very easy for me. After you left, you image dissolves into a background of my life. During the day it’s covered by all the works while at night it develops automatically when my desire rises lightly to fill my room full and fell on my quilt. I missed some moments sweetly. Nonetheless, the stream of time washes out its colour little by little.

I was very low when you received that ill-mooded email and before that I always wanted to share with you the delicious parts of my life. Actually, for almost 2 months, all my route work went wrong, and I can’t get anything done. It’s like being cursed and almost drove me crazy. I had even seriously thought about my future career. What else can I do if I give it up? Should I waste my life in the job that I am not good at. Also I was so disappointed with myself that I had no energy to change it.

I hope to be a true friend of yours, with whom you would like to speak frankly, even about sex. You don’t need to give any compliments to please me since that sounds for exchange purpose. I would like to see you as natural as you are. I would like to understand your taste for sex as objectively as to understand your taste for art or history. I would like to meet you unexpectedly or intendedly. Drifting in the river of life, I still believe I have experienced something wonderful.

posted by eye @ 4:10 PM