March1-10
I feel terrible for myself yesterday and hope to make an apology.
This morning I dreamed of a black bird hanging outside my window upside down. It has shining greenish blue shoulders. I was intrigued and wanted it to come in, and it followed. It’s bigger than my first impression, a little clumsy. I tried to feed it with what I was eating. The food is all black. Unexpectedly, it accepted and didn’t leave. Somehow weird, when I woke up, I felt that black bird was you. The dream of the night before last was that you messaged me to ask about some Chinese expression. It seemed you were reading others’ online profile, but I was happy because you turned to me for help. A month ago, the night when I told you I signed a lease, you appeared in my dream for the first time. You had a tattoo on your upper arm, which was your high school sweetheart. I thought he was just a boy.
I want to have you as a friend even if never to meet again.
Don’t know since when, I started to believe that I shouldn’t bring any life to this world. The happiness in life is just like the stars in the night sky. No reason from my side can be valid enough to start another human life. I love children and if affordable, will definitely go for the adoption, to make somebody the luckiest in the world. Without the reproduction pressure, a marriage isn’t necessary, so does a boyfriend. Yes, I don’t need one. No need to prey for superior genes for looks and IQ.
But I want a soul-mate, a kindred, who probably knew me before I knew myself. Or we came from the same planet. For some reason, I don’t feel affiliated with the Earth, which is beautiful but very cruel. I’ll thoroughly breath its beauty, love my loves unreservedly while I’m here but will never come back again. Nor will I take anything away with me except memories. Whom my eyes are searching for is one who is the same unattached but deeply loving.
I don’t know you but you have very charming eyes. Just curious about what you have insides and how your life has carved your characters. Every day, driving on the road, I can’t help thinking the motorcyclist nearby might be Brian. Every day, glad to see caliblu devil online. He is there. He is full of thorns. Better leave him alone. But I want you to know me. Therefore since the New Year I started a journal to share what’s in my life. Okay, all these only verify again I couldn’t handle a casual encounter. Really I don’t care if I failed that class. But I’m truly sorry to let my desperate requests go insane.
We may become friends if you’ve found similar interest in me. I’m very simply, maybe naïve in others’ eyes but I enjoy simply things in a simply life so that I have the freedom to think.
Dear D
I finally found some time to sit down and think about what to tell you regarding Japan. It's much more different then any other country and culture I've seen. It was hard to figure out how people really felt inside, but then again their genuine politeness made this problem much less important. Not only the geographic isolation, but also long political isolation during the Tokugawa era can probably explain some of it.
All in all, it was a really pleasant experience. Whether you are in Tokyo or in the countryside, things are amazingly clean and neat. Given the density of population in Tokyo - which is really like a beehive - it also amazing just how safe it is. I believe that is unique. I am not talking safe as in a boring, small city in Switzerland - I am talking about a dense, dynamic, 24/7, crazy, gigantic machine, boiling with culture, business, entertainment, parks, museums, concerts, railroads, advertising... New York doesn't measure up to it, and yet it is filthy and full of aggressive, frustrated people. Walking through the streets of Tokyo or Nikko I couldn't help but think of the fact that at that same time people in Italy were rioting and burning things down surrounded with piles of garbage that local mafia-controlled businesses were not collecting for months. In some ways, Europe appears to be in a state of slow decay and barbarization nowthat all those advantages built on exploitation of colonies are slowly melting away - and at the same time, Japan appeared to be an advanced, civilized, clean, safe, progressive society, a true modern-day power. Ten years ago or so something at the time unheard of started happening: lay-offs. The companies adopted American models, I guess, so people actually lost their jobs. This was a shock, and it turns out that many of them never learnt how to deal with it (like get a different job), but rather decided to adopt another unheard-of American concept: homelessness. There are 30,000 homeless in Tokyo. They live mostly in tents, but again are very neat compared to what you see in the States.
My feeling was that they are still capable of feeling shame - an art long lost in the Western societies due to its abuse by the churches and political parties. Furthermore, they don't appear to be selfish - actually, they are almost selfless sometimes, especially when in groups that they feel they belong to - at workplaces, for example. All these things may lead to tiring perfectionism and obsessive, or even fanatic, behavior.
People were extremely friendly and helpful. Now, my impressions are those of a white guy - not surprisingly, my lady had a different and less pleasing experience as a non-Japanese female when walking around alone. Perhaps there is still of that old, backward, primitive racism present, and if you think about it actually fits the picture presented above. Many of them are having a hard time expanding their selflessness and altruism beyond the boundaries of their own "race." But then again, in historical terms, they made a huge progress and I think we should all give them a credit for that. In less then a century they've transformed from you-know-what to what I am describing here.
Finally, a word on prices - you can hear people saying how Japan is expensive, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't find examples to support such claims. Good food, drinks, transportation, hotels, are all comparable to what I saw in Western cities. Imported designer clothes are, of course, expensive, but I couldn't care less. The thing is, Japanese do care about fashion, and they pay for it. Massage was cheaper than what I found, for example, in Boston. Sure, you could go eat a $100 steak - I didn't - but you could do the same thing in Montreal or Lyon.
surprise
It's a surprise to see your name again in my email.
A nice picture! Don't you think the cactus is a plant with a sense of humor? They looks aukward but in a cute way, with sarcastic spines but a soft and nutritious inside. They're so cartoon! The picture would be better if you could find an angle to put them into a story. I like the transparent sky with twinkling stars just after the sun fell into the horizon. It seems all the world are warmly hugged by the heaven.
It's very cold in ames now, below 0 F for several weeks. Sometimes I took brown bus and would think of you. One year ago you might be on the same bus or be the biker on the side walk. Sometimes, I wanted to tell you something fun but an inner voice would stop me and then I forgot it.
Now I come to realize research work may not fit me well though I can do some good jobs with enough efforts but I'm not happy doing those works. So, I plan to take some courses on fine art next semester. An unknown poor artist may live a life no worse than that of a mediocre scientist.
A chemical engineer has better chances than a biologist in finding a job. Don't worry. Make a good resume and the job may come to find you.
Take care!
something about buffalo river
I'm so exited about my backpacking trip.
Every time I saw the flowers, I wanted to tell you something but felt improper in some way. Ok, since it is an excuse, let me use it anyway. The name of the flowers is African Daisy, its vase life is about 14 days, much longer than I expected. That's why I was surprised to find the bouquet still looking nice when I came back from the backpacking trip.
On the afternoon of Nov 13, someone called me that they would have something delieved to my apartment. I thought it must be the parcel from a friend in Seatle who knew I would go back China this winter and asked me to take some stuffs to her parents. Then I received the pleasant surprise, a bouquet of Daisy. Thank you! This is the first time in my life that I receive flowers. Though I love all kinds of flowers, others tend to feel I would not like those vanity things. Looking at the flowers, I thought it was so nice an end, a beautiful expression without words, exactly perfect.
That week was quite busy. I had a big exam on Friday, and I would leave for the all-unknown backpacking trip on the same day after a lab meeting. A little worried about what trouble would come across, I got on the van of strangers. As we drove out of Ames, I felt like homing to myself. I must belong to the kind whose homing way is outward on the road no matter where to go. The following 4 nights and 4 days were just unforgetable. We arrived at the park at 2:00pm, and then slept on the grass with the starry sky behind our eyelid. For those nights it’s all below 0 centigrade. Unable to trust the 20 F sleeping bag they provided, I brought a long down coat which ensured my good dreams at night. The first day's hiking is horrible since I took the Dinner No. 1 and lunch No. 2 in my pack which I can't lift up above ground by myself and we matched 8.5 mile from 11:30 am to 5:00pm. For some ascending part, my heart beats exceeded 120 per min. For several times I felt my strength limit. The pack on my back almost became unbearable before we got to our first destination. But finally I survived and still have extra strength helping to make fire and prepare food for others. In the following days, with less weight in my pack and less mileage to cover I hiked quite easily. On the fourth day, we went across the river. Though it's freezing cold and flows rapidly, we made it successfully. It's so much easier than my research work.
Every inch of the whole wild ground are covered by leaves, each of which once sprouted gaily on the branch in the spring. Now they lie lightly and comfortably anywhere the wind brings them. What is the energy of the huge wave of the season alterations that make the whole mountain green in the spring and brown in the fall? It's really awesome. Leaves, leaves, everywhere, cracking by our feet. They may not seek for meanings in their short lives. But they all must know the difference between the pleasant sunshines and bad storms, sometimes probably suffering from pest invasions. The wild mountain is empty in contrast of our steps on the leaves. I don't know if the mountain welcome us or not but I was so excited to go deep inside the wild to see how they live there, the trees, the grass, the moss, the creek, the rocks, and the beauty we seek to visit, the buffalo river. Don’t know what is on the other side of the hill until we arrive there. The river is light green, curving its way in the valley, partially disappearing in the white groves, composing a tone of paradise. I am grateful for what I have experienced, baptised with the wild air and my own sweat, fully recharged and recreated.
We have 3 trip leader, Rachel, Casey and Heather. They all impressed me very much. My only regret is that I can't enjoy very much the conversation with the american students. They speak pretty fast and the topics are not familiar to me. You must know Heather, who has mentioned TA Nikola Pekas and some blue dye. That girl changed my impression of the pre-med student and the Christian. I like Rachel, when parting with her at 4:30pm on campus, I made sincere wishes for her. What she did on our trip win my true respect. There are still lots of details I have no time to write down, hope they are well preserved in my mind.
I will fly to Beijing on Dec 10th, and come back on Jan 9th. No required course next semester but I will work as TA in my advicer's class. Don't know why I feel obligated to tell you something about my backpacking trip. Now it's done. Without your suggestion, it may not happen. Thank you.
For your birthday
I still believe it’s a mircle happening in my life, though I am not sure if it’s totally a blessing.
The first sight was the most beautiful one. He has charming eyes, the gleam from which is vivid and gentle, pure and warm. Then I noticed his accent, a special flavor, but clear and clean. He tried to help me with the microscope while I was impressed by his amiable dignity and verve, the sense of Europe. Where does he come from? He smiled gently and told me that he came from Yugoslavia. Then in my mind appears the image of the Yugoslavia movie “Bridge” with the song “Goodbye, my friends”. In those old WWII movie, the handsome communists always wear turtle neck sweater. All the foreign movies are romantic in my memory. Then I can’t help looking at him again: naughty curl hair matches perfectly with his face profile; he must have a pure heart for his eyes are so clear; pretty tall, wearing an orange top, he must have a sunshine-like personality. We introduced each other. His name sounds cute and easy to remember: N*.
After that, I did think of him several times, what a cute guy! And even once I was kidding with others: I met a gorgeous European in the basement, he looks so good that I almost fell in love.
Did we met again before we met on bus? Seems once, in the hallway, you gave me a shy smile out and I was not sure if you recognized me. But I was happy just for seeing you again.
Then unexpectedly we met at the bus stop. Actually this time I was not sure if he’s Nikola since it was quite a long time ago. Who can he be? The shy and warm smile looks pretty familiar but the hair is different. On the bus I just can’t help looking at him slily and try to fit him into my first impression. Someone got off and he sat down in front of me, smiling to me again. “Nikola?”, Yes, he was. What else? Nothing, though I did hope something could happen. I didn’t know what could be possible. But an unconscious sweet missing was inside.
I still don’t know why you suggest to have a cup of tea together. Maybe that’s an expression that really does not mean anything. I know I was too ordinary to leave any impression to others, neither was I attractive. But I do like any possibility or adventure, even just seeing thing to happen. The more incredible stuffs were found in you web site. When I listen to those sounds you recorded, I felt like being inside you with all the sound waves reaching me through your nerve. Then I saw the kids in the pictures, who grasp my heart at my first sight. He must be an angel. I like your father, who also seems to be pure-hearted man and you have his eyes, the most charming parts. After visiting your web site, I knew I fell in love unconditionally. You can always steal hearts by this way.
Then we went to have tea. Your eyes dodged when you told me you lived with your girlfriend and I was sadly shocked at that moment. So what? I am here, let’s make the moment beautiful. I still can’t help finding some funs about you. I really enjoyed the conversations and later I noticed you crossed you legs and stretched your top to cover somewhere. I was a little flattered but also a little humiliated. Anyway, I forget the sadness about your girlfriend and tasted sweetness in the air that night. When we walked back, I was enchanted in your aura. Your smell made me flying.
Our walks in the following weeks were really like happening in dreams. Usually my dreams are full of wonderful sceneries where I take adventures, like exploring or doing archeological researches. Yes, I never think about if it’s improper to enjoy love in outdoor places. It was you that took me to the wonderful adventure. By your side, I felt the peace and harmony with the nature around. However, you told me not to take it romantically and it’s not love, then is it only sex? Though my sense and heart reject the definition, some other part of myself still enjoy the aura and the sex. After that I ceased my relationship with the one in Beijing.
Anyway I should thank you for the birthday gift you gave. Though I want to return the same back for your birthday, it’s impossible for the timing and the place.
After you left, I dreamed of you twice. Much early before you went to Great Canyon, in my dream you sent me a picture in which you stand on an ancient city wall and explained how to frame the whole city walls in one picture. In the other dream, we were discussing somethings but I forgot it when I woke up. At the time you went to Great Canyon, a gorgeous snow leopard fell into my window in my dream. First I was stunning by his grace and elegance, and then I realized how dangous for me to be so close to him. I don’t know why I felt the snow leopard is you. I felt I could be hurt if I did not stop myself.
It’s hard for me to match my first sight of the pure hearted guy who has enriched perception for the world with the guy coming for sex. I also enjoy having sex with him but what I want most is to read the book of him though the book has some foreign words, not very easy for me. After you left, you image dissolves into a background of my life. During the day it’s covered by all the works while at night it develops automatically when my desire rises lightly to fill my room full and fell on my quilt. I missed some moments sweetly. Nonetheless, the stream of time washes out its colour little by little.
I was very low when you received that ill-mooded email and before that I always wanted to share with you the delicious parts of my life. Actually, for almost 2 months, all my route work went wrong, and I can’t get anything done. It’s like being cursed and almost drove me crazy. I had even seriously thought about my future career. What else can I do if I give it up? Should I waste my life in the job that I am not good at. Also I was so disappointed with myself that I had no energy to change it.
I hope to be a true friend of yours, with whom you would like to speak frankly, even about sex. You don’t need to give any compliments to please me since that sounds for exchange purpose. I would like to see you as natural as you are. I would like to understand your taste for sex as objectively as to understand your taste for art or history. I would like to meet you unexpectedly or intendedly. Drifting in the river of life, I still believe I have experienced something wonderful.
hindu Diwali
Dear N,
It sounds like a wonderful trip and makes me jealous, but I might not catch up you when you descend and ascend by running. I always long for travel, not only curious about places or people, but also wanting to escape from my own life. Sometimes where to go does not matter too much. When I was in China, it could begin a gaiety reaction for me to get on a train.
Don't you really like Las Vegas? People say it's a place to find any of their fantasies. I'm a little curious about the striptease, girls showing their perfect figures.
Last Saturday was the Indian "Christmas"--Diwali, and I went with an Indian girl of our lab to a Hindu temple, half an hour's drive from Ames. It's so crowded, just like in China. People didn't care about their private distances, just happily involved in the festival. Most of Hindu gods have animal images that seem to encourage an explanation of social evolution. The biggest gain for me is to see lots of pretty indian girls in rich attire. India produces most beautiful females in the world, but I can't give compliment to their men. I felt like going into an indian film, surrounded by their songs and dances. I quietly observe people of different ages, their cloths, their expressions, but too hurried to make my perception clear. Before we left, that girl seriously prayed before each of the icons. it reminds several years ago in some buddhism temple I prayed devoutly for the happiness of all my families. Sometime in a year we just need a place to send our wishes .
All goes normal for me, I guess, though not so well. My research work has been stagnant for quite a long time. A Chinese fable tells about a man who loves dragon very much but is scared when the real dragon comes to him from the heaven. Am I the person who claims loving science ? May it turn out not to be my cup of tea? "Be a grownup", I told myself, "you will get through it finally."
I am so awake now
I know it's the angel, but not him. Now I know my angel. He's always there with me, and also always in good humor. My warm flame is my thanks to him.
