to you

March1-10

I feel terrible for myself yesterday and hope to make an apology.

This morning I dreamed of a black bird hanging outside my window upside down. It has shining greenish blue shoulders. I was intrigued and wanted it to come in, and it followed. It’s bigger than my first impression, a little clumsy. I tried to feed it with what I was eating. The food is all black. Unexpectedly, it accepted and didn’t leave. Somehow weird, when I woke up, I felt that black bird was you. The dream of the night before last was that you messaged me to ask about some Chinese expression. It seemed you were reading others’ online profile, but I was happy because you turned to me for help. A month ago, the night when I told you I signed a lease, you appeared in my dream for the first time. You had a tattoo on your upper arm, which was your high school sweetheart. I thought he was just a boy.

I want to have you as a friend even if never to meet again.

Don’t know since when, I started to believe that I shouldn’t bring any life to this world. The happiness in life is just like the stars in the night sky. No reason from my side can be valid enough to start another human life. I love children and if affordable, will definitely go for the adoption, to make somebody the luckiest in the world. Without the reproduction pressure, a marriage isn’t necessary, so does a boyfriend. Yes, I don’t need one. No need to prey for superior genes for looks and IQ.

But I want a soul-mate, a kindred, who probably knew me before I knew myself. Or we came from the same planet. For some reason, I don’t feel affiliated with the Earth, which is beautiful but very cruel. I’ll thoroughly breath its beauty, love my loves unreservedly while I’m here but will never come back again. Nor will I take anything away with me except memories. Whom my eyes are searching for is one who is the same unattached but deeply loving.

I don’t know you but you have very charming eyes. Just curious about what you have insides and how your life has carved your characters. Every day, driving on the road, I can’t help thinking the motorcyclist nearby might be Brian. Every day, glad to see caliblu devil online. He is there. He is full of thorns. Better leave him alone. But I want you to know me. Therefore since the New Year I started a journal to share what’s in my life. Okay, all these only verify again I couldn’t handle a casual encounter. Really I don’t care if I failed that class. But I’m truly sorry to let my desperate requests go insane.

We may become friends if you’ve found similar interest in me. I’m very simply, maybe naïve in others’ eyes but I enjoy simply things in a simply life so that I have the freedom to think.

posted by eye @ 10:40 PM